sometimes i worry that hiro will die during the night. sometimes he's so quiet and if i wake up i have to check whether he's breathing or not. sometimes i even grab him. usually he kind of jerks, but doesn't wake, but a few times, to my self-disgust, he woke up and cried. but i can't help it. it didn't happen in the beginning. when he was so small he woke up every few hours so i knew he hadn't passed away. but now he sleeps so long...almost through the night! and i just worry. my biggest fear is finding him cold and stiff...sorry. i don't mean to make you feel bad. it just eats me up sometimes. if i wake slowly i don't feel this over-whelming fear. i usually take the time to see if i can see his chest moving, or hear his breath. but sometimes....i love him so much now, too, i can't even imagine how i would react if he were gone. it's too hard to even think about.

but it happens. and that wakes me up at night.