sometimes i just don't deserve my kids. i don't. pretty soon, they're going to let me know it...

this morning's trip to the supermarket was bad. really bad. so bad, i can't really write about it. good thing was, everyone fell asleep in the car on the way home. then it was lunch time. i thought yoshi would be back soon after noon, but no. so, around 12:30, i gave the kids furikake-rice (rice with sprinkles on top. the current favorite is 'egg'.) then i went into the kitchen to make lotus root kinpira (veggies quick-cooked then simmered in seasonings, this time the main veggie was lotus root), but after i julienned the carrot, i checked on the kids and found that sasha had thrown almost all of her rice on the floor. i just lost it. i shouted. i screamed. i cried. i hyper-ventilated. i suck. yes, i know she's still pretty much a baby. yes, i should have had lunch with her. but...i dunno. she can feed herself. i am with them ALL THE FREAKING TIME. i thought yoshi was going to be home soon, and the kids were hungry.

i threw away her lunch...she cried, but really, if she was hungry, she would have eaten it. i didn't want to cook, i didn't want to spend one more minute with my children.

finally, yoshi got home. he has lost his voice this weekend, supposedly from talking a lot at the nomikai. he tries to tell me something about meeting some people from the neighborhood at a parking lot at a park. i'm like, 'what?' but no, i have such a headache. he bought something to eat there, but i just couldn't go. i had a headache and i NEEDED A BREAK FROM HIRO AND SASHA. i said that i would keep tommy, but he could definitely take the two older ones with him.

they left. i fed tommy, and could tell he needed some sleep. i put him in his crib, he just snuggled in, so i covered him, put the towel over his bed (the sun shines right into the crib, i really need a curtain on that window.) and it was quiet. it was bliss. i had two hours to myself. i got that kinpira made. i also made a quiche, and cleaned up half the kitchen. i relaxed.

then i noticed that my phone had died. i turned it on, plugged it in...and there was a message from yoshi. i called him. it seemed that he had drunk a beer at lunch and needed me to drive them home. or he could walk home.....oh no, i thought that was a bad idea. but tommy was sleeping. *sigh* i said that i would go there.

at first i was going to carry tommy in the sling. but if he fought, i took the umbrella stroller. i was afraid he'd be too small, but he's very strong. a very big boy now. he loved the walk (it took me about twenty minutes to get to the park they were at). when i was almost there, i noticed a man and two small kids at a sign. the children were climbing on the base of the sign (it was almost a statue), and the little girl's hat was red. sasha's hat is red. oh! that is my family! i almost didn't recognize them. yoshi told them i had come, i was there. sasha looked at me...and her face lit up! yoshi lifted her down and she ran down the hill to me. hiro was right behind. they were so happy to see their mommy, even though she had shouted at them a few hours before. i felt happy, and also so bad about how i had yelled at them. sasha hugged me.

then she started to fight with hiro over who would push tommy.