i'm sorry about yesterday's short post. i wanted to write a lot, i kept thinking about it (i often think of blog posts while doing other things, usually while driving.) but i didn't have an opportunity to write until the evening, and by then i was starting to feel down. sometimes i get depressed, much like i did when i was a teen. it usually happens when i feel lonely. yoshi's drinking party set it off i guess.

i mean, i don't get to go to parties any more. i don't have any co-workers, so no enkais there. (i understand that sometimes these are obligations and costs that people, even japanese people, don't want, but if you never have them at all anymore, you miss them. at least, i do.) i don't have any friends, at least not nearby. not close enough to make it feasible or regular. i accept that it's mainly my fault, that i use the excuse of my child(ren) to keep me home or doing things with them. i also perfected the art of ignore when i was in junior high, to keep the hurtful looks and comments away. it has been handy in japan whenever i get unwanted attention, but i think it keeps me from making any real friends.

i also have no outlet for stress. hiro is so stressful these days (poor little guy) but i can't walk (hiro is too slow, and i'm too big to comfortably put sasha in a sling). basically there's no babysitting in japan, and when yoshi inquired about the silver service, i guess they don't do babysitting. (that's what i gathered from yoshi). my babies are too young for kindergarten (i don't want them to go every day anyway) and i don't work full-time so daycare won't take them. there is (probably) a drop in daycare nearby (that's where i took hiro when i was working part-time, but in kitakyushu city) but the cost just doesn't make it worth it. and hiro's separation issues make it hard for me, anyway. and breastfeeding sasha is another worry. so, no exercise for me.

i guess the weather could have a little to do with it, too. it's been rather rainy lately, with only a little bit of sunshine. i do get depressed with too much rain and clouds. and it also makes me homesick this time of year. doesn't help that the holiday season has started.

well, anyway, i'm not in a good mood, feel rather down. so, i'm gonna go watch the dancing cat for a while and hope it cheers me up.