today was tommy's four month check provided by the city. one of those 'cattle call' checks where every four month old baby in the city goes to to be measured and weighed. this morning, however, little tommy threw up twice, big icky pukes. he had a slight temperature, and yoshi wrote down (on the paper provided by the city) that info, and added that he (yoshi) had the flu. well, they didn't let tommy get measured. we had to leave. i was a bit disappointed because i wanted to find out how much he weighed. ah well.
but i'm more disappointed in myself. i am lonely, i have no friends in town. i have a lot of trouble being friendly with japanese women, i have met very few with whom i get on with. i brought a book with me, and while waiting for tommy's name to be called (and before we were 'rejected'), a lady came up and wanted to look at tommy (he was in his stroller which i had covered with a towel. it was rainy today, and if he had the flu, i didn't really want to spread it to other babies.) i let her peek, and then she started talking to me: what country are you from? oh, my husband is being transfered to the US. where are you from in the US? do you know san diego?
forgive me, but i really didn't want to talk to her. this person could have been my friend, or i could have had a potential student who wanted a couple of lessons before moving to the states (she spoke only japanese to me), but i just didn't encourage the conversation. what is wrong with me?
ok, even though that last question is rhetorical, i will give a couple of answers: one, i'm a bit depressed. just some baby blues, not full-on PPD, but it makes me tired and not want to talk to strangers. and two, i am really tired, and i think it has to do with yoshi having the flu and me having to deal with everyone ALL. THE. TIME. amazingly, yoshi does not have the 'man flu' but even so, i cannot rely on him so much. he was feeling well enough today to watch hiro and sasha so i could take tommy to the check, but he DOES have the flu so he doesn't have that much energy to take the kids for several hours. *sigh* i really really hope I don't catch the flu, and i hope tommy feels better tomorrow.
April 17, 2024
17 hours ago
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6 comments:
Sending "stay healthy" vibes in your direction as I am sure the last thing you need is to catch the flu.
I think that being lonely and a bit depressed (for whatever reason) is a vicious circle. You know that making a new friend would possibly make you feel better but you don't have the energy/ confidence to try and talk to people you don't know well. You have an enormous amount on your plate at the moment with Yoshi being sick/away and 3 small kids so you should allow yourself to be a bit anti-social at times.
That said, you should try and make a conscious decision to be receptive to the next person who tries to make conversation with you. You might be surprised how much better it will make you feel.
I hope everyone gets well and stays well and that you get to feeling more up soon.
It is so hard with little ones. You love them so much, of course, but they just drain you physically and mentally. There isn't much left over for yourself, especially if you are the sole caregiver and never get a break.
I know and am friendly with probably hundreds of Japanese women, but I don't consider any of them my real friends so I kind of know what you mean. They just seem to take more work and effort than I have to give sometimes. It isn't just a language issue because I can do that. It is that their way of thinking and reacting to the world is so very different to the way I think and react. I have to constantly censor myself and say what I know what they want me to say, not what I really want to say. And the same old conversations about where you are from and so forth just get so old and boring. More and more lately I just can't be bothered. I speak to them as little as I have to until I can make a polite escape. I feel bad because I am possibly missing out on a person that I really could connect with and become true friends with, but sometimes... you know? SIGH.
I am not sure about your area, but there are AFWJ groups all over Japan. You have to pay for membership, but you might be able to meet some other foreign women in your area through such a group.
Once you get all the kids off to kindergarten/hoikuen you are going to meet so many different kinds of Japanese women - lots who you won't take to but there will probably be a few that you will click with. I remember feeling exactly the same as you do now with a husband always working and only the kids for company and it drove me up the wall. It didn't help that I was shy and could never initiate a conversation but a few years down the line, I made friends with quite a few J women - some who are still just acquaintances but others who are now 'real' friends. Doesn't help you much now but believe me, it will get better.
Sending get better/don't catch the flu vibes your way!
I completely and whole heartedly agree with what Ailsa said. : ) When your kids get into school, you really will find a few that you click with. Sure many you won't, but the few that you do Illahee, will be worth their weight in gold. : )
My oldest son, the first yochien he went to. I had made 2 Japanese gal pals. I wouldn't say we really had a deep connection or anything but we were pals for the time we were living in Yachiyo. Perhaps, I didn't invest my time or energy more because I knew we'd be moving on, far away...too far to keep the friendship a lasting one unfortunately.: ( But when we moved where we ultimately built our home, which is where we are now. I lucked out. I have many acquaintances, sure. However, I have 4 true blue Japanese girlfriends, they live right near me, farthest one lives maybe a 10 minute drive from my home, tops, closest one, lives literally, a 2 minute walk from my house. We go sing karaoke together, we have coffee or tea and lunch get together's. We meet at restaurants. We meet up at least once a month, no matter what. Sometimes, twice a month. We also see each other every week at swim club, etc, etc (which is B's swim time and also my social time, lol). You get the point.: ) But honestly life is really fun having them in my life. Also knock on wood, I would never need the help. And god knows I can handle things on my own. However, if I ever got into a serious jam, and needed help, and god forbid my DH was at work, again for the most part I could handle it. However, the peace of mind I have knowing that no matter what, I could call any of these 4 girlfriend's of mine, on my cell/ keitei and they'd be here to help me within 5-10 minutes. They'd come running. And the reassurance it gives me and the peace of mind it gives me is such a blessing. Granted I'd help them in return obviously too. And again, it's not like I am saying I would be not able to help my own self in a jam, it's just nice knowing I always have options, and friends, who would always jump in and help me. Also these 4 friends, I can be myself around them. They are themselves around me too. And that is a rare, rare thing to have found, that I don't take for granted.
One of them told me the other day, she was making, nabe for dinner. And she joked to the others, "yeah because it's so easy, all I have to do is chop chop chop". These are the types that do not wanna impress each other and I love that, they are just for real,and I am just for real right back. Hell, most days, I meet them, I don't even got my face on! I must scare the daylights outta them without my face, ha ha ha. : ) This is a bit of a chit chat I will share with you that we talked about the other week one lady, complained her daughter has a few cavities (age 4), and the other one said, "how bad is her cavity." She said, "she is missing over half her back molar". The other one replied, "send her to the dentist immediately" we were all cracking up. And she added "in fact, go and get her out of school, right now, and please, please take her to the dentist". She wasn't being mean it wasn't like that at all, these 2 are jokesters almost like 2 comedians, it was all in the tone and she was laughing, we all were. She was being silly. The rest were all laughing, the mom with the daughter with the cavity was even dying of laughter. The mom said, even a filling won't fix this tooth, and what should she do. Another one always jokes that she swears her son (classmate of B's) will grow up and join a motorcycle gang! And she will cry and beg him not to leave and he will shrug her off and get on his bike (again, she's just kidding, they actually belong to a country club, and they are a really good family, but again, she jokes about her biggest fears). OMG, these ladies are hilarious like, Saturday Night Live almost. They are not like most Japanese women I have met before. These ladies are not boring or all Stepfordy at all, or trying to be perfect or put on a fascade. It's more like an Oprah, Dr. Phil chat session everytime we get together. We talk about sex and everything else, it's a hoot (one asked the question, how many x's a week, and everyone went around a circle and answered, I thought I was going to faint when I realized the question, lol, but it was funny how silly they are). And they are all middle class and up, type ladies, very nice ladies, very well travelled ladies. Just funny as all heck and down to earth. A lot of the ladies at the yochien are not like these ladies, I admit that. But these 4 are just amazing and who I always hang with because being with them, makes me smile, makes me laugh. Also, they also watch each other's kids if need be too and that's a big help. One lady needed to go to the store to buy a few groceries and we all watched her younger daughter at the swim school, while she left. Meanwhile her older daughter swam and we all occupied her younger daughter, in fact she played with Noah. Meanwhile she got her nightly grocery shopping outta the way. Another lady, swears to us all every week at swim club as she holds up her son's uniform socks. She says "how do his socks get THIS dirty every day, does he just stomp around in the dirt???", and she shows us and swears, "look they aren't even white anymore." LOL! I have brought this lady, oxy clean and also a little container of Clorax 2, and still nothing is helping with her sons socks, lol. Again, though she ain't trying to impress us. She's keeping it real and I love that. These ladies I click with. And yes, these ladies teased me for 2 weeks because of my speech blunder at the Christmas lunch, without mercy, I might add! And they always notice when I change my hair and ohh and ahh over it. But again we all ohh and ahh over each other anyway. It's a support system that I need and depend on. Anyway, I apologize for chatting with you about this is such a lengthy manner, Illahee, but I just had so much to say, I am sorry. : ) And what I am saying is....it is possible to find a Japanese pal you might click with that lives close to you. I know you know that already too,: ) he he. Anyway, I just wanted to comment in support of you, is all. : ) Sorry it had to be enormous though, lol! : )
I think it's a good idea that you are considering to have Japanese girlfriends at least or at least open to the idea. In my case, I needed friends that live close to me, that I can visit for coffee in an afternoon and still make it back to pick up my son from school or if it started to rain, I could swing by my house real quick and bring my blankets out from the backyard out of the rain and then go back to my friends house, I'm sure you know what I mean. Japanese friends were my only option. And luckily I found some amazing friends that I did actually click with. : )
But Illahee, from what I know of you, you are a kind, sweet, big hearted person. I still remember when you offered to get me those xmas lights at your Costco, since my Costco was out of them. And whoever you find as a friend in your area is going to be LUCKY to have you in their corner as a friend of you! Because you are such a sweetheart, you really are! Heck, I wish you were my neighbor or lived close to me (oh the fun or trouble, we'd cause, ha ha ha!) : )
PS, sorry me again, he he : ), I also wanted to give you even a bit more support and say, what you did at the cattle call thing to the woman trying to talk with you is normal and it happens, to us all. : )I myself have done that to people plenty of times in so many different situations. I think with you having a sick baby and a sick hubby. No wonder you could have had your mind on other things. And I for one know how those mass cattle call things are (especially when everyone shows up) and kids and mom's everywhere, conversations taking place everywhere, it gets to be sensory overload, if you will. Even for me, it's like too many people and kids all crammed together. I get a bit shell shocked, just too much going on in one space. Some mom's chit chatting. Other people staring. Some kids screaming their heads off, while some are just cooing and smiling. Throw in, I am doing a medical exam in a language that is not even my native language (I know that part isn't a problem for you though : ).Many times for me, when I am thinking of, my tasks at hand, like going through check up station #1 and #2 etc, undressing Noah and dressing Noah, or whatever ykwim : ). Meanwhile here comes this person trying to have a good ol' chat with me, I might even give them the brush off as well. And it's not that I am rude or anti social at all, it's just I got my mind on other things, like my kids for example or what I will be saying to the doctors, etc. But, yeah I have given people the unintentional brush off before plenty of times, when I was preoccupied with other things.
Also, and this is sorta funny, but my dearest friend now, Noriko-san. Before I knew her, type knew her. I guess she knew me from the yochien. Perhaps we greeted each other a few times. Anyway, once I was at a Mc D's, with hubs and the boys. We were trying to decide what to order. Meanwhile this Japanese lady on the next line over keeps staring at us. For a good couple minutes. I remember saying to Noboru, clearly..."that lady is staring at us, do we know her". he looked and shrugged and said, "nope we don't know her" so we just figured she was just a weirdo!!! So, I paid no attention. She finally spoke to Noboru and said, hello. I know I totally brushed her off, gave her the cold shoulder almost. I gave her like a "hi" and a turn of the head. OMG! When we were in the car, I asked who was that? Noboru says, she is a mom from our yochien. Whoops! Boy did I feel like a huge jerk! Turns out, she speaks English almost as good as my husband. Next time we saw each other at the yochien, I went over and apologized and told her honestly I didn't know who you were and I am sorry. From that moment we have been fab friends ever since. Ha ha ha. Hey, I was honest. And now she is like one of my best friends. She's one of my 4 true blues. She helps me out a lot. Thank god, I made the effort after I blew her off. Ha ha ha. Wink, wink. : ) Because she is such a good friend and so down to earth.
Anyway sorry for blabbing yet again, I just wanted to say, don't be so hard on yourself, for not talking more to that lady at your and Tommy's exam the other day. It really does happen to everyone. Even me, I am guilty of doing that too at times : )
I hope you are feeling better, and that everyone is better health wise now. I have been thinking about this post of yours for a while. I really think you are being too hard on yourself about the woman at the health check. You have a lot to take care of now, and if you just aren't up to forming new friendships now then you certianly don't have to be.
Also, if you are like me, you are always kind of sceptical about Japanese friends because so many of them who approach you out of the blue like that are just looking to adopt a gaijin, like a pet, you know. Some aren't, but so many of them just want to have a foreign friend and aren't really interested in you personally so along with everything else if that is a concern to you I understand that too.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better now and don't beat yourself up about it.
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