last night yoshi came home early. as in, i think he walked through the door before 6 pm. it was total chaos. i think he really got to see what life with three small children is really like. i was making dinner, nursing tommy and trying to keep hiro and sasha from fighting. dinner was a disaster, because i was making something i hadn't tried before (note to self: buy frozen pizza). hiro and sasha hadn't napped much and were really getting tired, and so they were fighting--hitting and screaming--and basically putting my nerves on edge. and poor tommy. he was so hungry but i had to keep breaking up our nursing session and break up fights, stir tomato sauce and try to cook pasta. and it was so messy. right around dinner time, especially if i've given the kids something they can eat on their own, i start tidying up. sometimes i get hiro to help me, but most of the time i do it. it's not perfect, but at least it's not the total disaster that it becomes most days. anyway, with yoshi home i could get him to eat with the kids and i could finish nursing tommy, but it was hard.

i find myself screaming a lot--at hiro. he is at such a difficult stage. i am not the most patient person and with my pregnancy hormones, hiro is getting the brunt of it (my lack of patience.) i have ordered some books from amazon, mostly about how to talk to your children and also something on sibling rivalry. i think i need to get another one about three-year-olds because i really need all the help i can get.

today i went to the mall with the kids and it was a total disaster. i actually took hiro and tommy back to the car and put them in their car seats so i could take sasha back with me and get my shopping done. it's true, i left the kids in the car. when i got back, hiro was asleep even though it was barely noon. then i understood: he had woken up too early and that's what made him so cranky. i was near tears because i have no baby sitter, no family, no drop-in child care so that i can just go to the store and get something as simple as dinner or as special as christmas presents. it sucks. i know that this was my choice but it is so hard. so hard.